if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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getting old is fun
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*