@fro_vo

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

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@AimeeHelene1

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

@bobvulfov

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

@DanMentos

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked “What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?”

When do I get to go to heaven?

@waitfortheQ

This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .

@NewDadNotes

Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
God: yep
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
God: Phil

@Mr_Kapowski

[hotel room]

Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”

Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”