if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Generation gap…
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.