@Grommit56

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

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@BastardProphet

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

@occupied_stall

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

@NoFucksWereGave

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

@Marlebean

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

@Not_From_Troy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

@murrman5

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

@ramblinma

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

@teenpuke

*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*

@Jandalize

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.