If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
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Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”