If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I have so many questions.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what