@3sunzzz

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

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@TheMichaelRock

We’re shutdown, but not ‘stop collecting taxes’ shutdown.

– the government

@3sunzzz

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

@lisaxy424

1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh

@Jandalize

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

@stevevsninjas

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side