We’re shutdown, but not ‘stop collecting taxes’ shutdown.
– the government
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side