@3sunzzz: If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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@JohnASinclair: Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour? No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.
@bacon_gillepic: A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up Not gonna lie it felt good
@dafloydsta: WIFE: You promised you'd take the dog out. ME: Okay, fine. [later] DOG: This is a really nice place. ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
@WittySassBasket: Wait, wait, wait. Don't I get three wishes? Cop: Ma'am, that's not how this works.