If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.


Wait. What? You need two people for sex? What does the other one do?


Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*


My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.


[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*


Me: Another nightmare?
Him: Why?

M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”

H: …
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.


Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.


My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?


Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks


Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.