If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.