@LindseyEllison2

If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.

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@AsgardianRose

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

@TheHyyyype

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

@GingerGander

If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.

@Darlainky

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

@AbbieEvansXO

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

@TheBoydP

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

@TennisShoeBoi

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.