My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
You deplete me
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.