If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold