If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Passwords are more important than ever.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind