@writerPT
@stephenjmolloy
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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@stephenjmolloy
@WeAreGirICodes
*gets hit by a car*
Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens twitter*
Me: “LMAOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
@joeyhuggles
Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.
@senderblock23
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened
@50FirstTates
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
@Swishergirl24
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
@underalls
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
@kimmie_1980
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
@truegritrumble
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
@SugarMagicSpice
I thought my apocalypse outfit would be more black leather and less jammies and bunny slippers.