If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

You Might Also Like


[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”


“Care to elaborate?”



*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*



Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.


[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened


her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this


The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.


The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.


Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.


(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.


I thought my apocalypse outfit would be more black leather and less jammies and bunny slippers.