If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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How it started: How it’s going:
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’m awake but I object,
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.