@writerPT

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

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@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

@WeAreGirICodes

*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*

Me: “LMAOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@joeyhuggles

Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened

@50FirstTates

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

@Swishergirl24

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

@underalls

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

@kimmie_1980

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

@SugarMagicSpice

I thought my apocalypse outfit would be more black leather and less jammies and bunny slippers.