“You list communication as a strength”
“Care to elaborate?”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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*gets hit by a car*
Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMAOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I thought my apocalypse outfit would be more black leather and less jammies and bunny slippers.