Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

ok like just. call me at this point

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Muppet Screams

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun