If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
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poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect