If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.