If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort