If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Employees must applaud the planets.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait