If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

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Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous


If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.


Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.


I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.


Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.


Him: Whatcha thinkin about?

Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.


[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot


I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.


In high school, everyone called me the bus driver. Because I was the bus driver.