BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.