If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.


We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.


A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!


There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.


“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.


I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate


Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.


They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point