Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
How it started: How it’s going:
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens