If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Love is always patient and kind.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.