“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
me logging onto twitter
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.