If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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Mornin. * use accordingly
this came to me in a vision
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.