@Peauxtassium

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

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@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

@WilliamRodgers

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

@SirJeremyLondon

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

@kevnasto

I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.