You’re like the menstrual cramp and bloating of people.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Don’t be shy, send that 8th unanswered text
I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.
10 people in 1 suffer from multiple personality disorder.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.