If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.