If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

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[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop


Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.


Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this


My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”


Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!


To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present – They are due back at the library tomorrow.


[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11


Who the hell came up with ‘prolly’ for probably?