[inventor of the zoo]
*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*
this has to stop
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present – They are due back at the library tomorrow.
[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11
Who the hell came up with ‘prolly’ for probably?
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.