If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
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Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Tuesday
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.