@occupied_stall

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

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@jonnysun

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

@lisaOoOo

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

@fro_vo

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

@LostFelicia

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

@LostFelicia

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

@BellesJar

Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.

@fro_vo

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

@GingerHotDish

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.