If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
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Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
This is my brand.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t