If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍馃ズ馃ズ馃拫馃拫馃槝馃槝
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
The kid鈥檚 party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I鈥檒l never hear again
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
just gave your address to some spiders
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn鈥檛 because I鈥檓 coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn鈥檛 say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Pretty sure it鈥檚 easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Hoping they鈥檒l teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he鈥檒l figure it out before then
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
they鈥檙e called hooves, dummy馃檮
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
it鈥檚 extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
He-man has a Masters degree
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone