If you love someone, let them sleep.
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If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
For anyone who needs this today
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya