If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
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My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single