If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
linkedin the good parts
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.