Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You Might Also Like
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
seems like a niche market
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”