if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.