If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
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[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
me when i see my girls butt
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?