@designersays

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

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@TuffyNyC

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

@impaulmccoy

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

@weismanjake

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

@T_Bonezzz_

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

@dshack8

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

@forrrestfire

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

@Swishergirl24

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

@TwinSurvivalist

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

@Dawn_M_

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.