If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful