If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
first you must answer his riddles
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.