FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Kids now are so spoiled. When I was young we were locked out of the house all day if school was canceled because of snow, we went blind in one eye, lost 2-4 toes to frostbite, ate one of the weaker kids who got hurt sledding, then had a leg amputated, and we WERE FINE.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.
GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills
If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.
It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”