@vultural

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

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@markydoodoo

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

@DanMentos

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

@YourMomsucksTho

Kids now are so spoiled. When I was young we were locked out of the house all day if school was canceled because of snow, we went blind in one eye, lost 2-4 toes to frostbite, ate one of the weaker kids who got hurt sledding, then had a leg amputated, and we WERE FINE.

@PrisonCookies

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

@thenatewolf

ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.

GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills

@jeffswarens

If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.

@LOLGOP

It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes

@daemonic3

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit