If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

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50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.


[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t


Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.


Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase


I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me


crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you


No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….