@ddsmidt

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

@Gupton68

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

@mishakey

Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.

@Mr_Kapowski

Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@squashgoblet

crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you

@gitson_shiggles

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….