Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
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Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know?
Me: Want another juice box, bro?
3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.
I use to bleach my bangs so I know about regret.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site
But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.