@ddsmidt

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

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@dadamantium

Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know?

Him: Yeah.

Me: Want another juice box, bro?

Him: Yeah.

3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.

@DannyDutch

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

@Almighty_Smoot

Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool

@Jandalize

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

@SteveKoehler22

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

@AndyAsAdjective

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.