6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.
– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I need ten thousand dollars in unmarked avocados.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.