If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
If a snake ate a cake
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”