Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
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[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I fake all my origamis.
i wish i lost weight as fast as i lose motivation
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.
To the other two….
Hi, I’m MJ