If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
j o i m p
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I laughed at this way too hard.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].