@weinerdog4life

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

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@primawesome

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

@ISOremarkable

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

@iwearaonesie

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

@chris_isloi

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

@WilliamAder

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

@johnfreiler

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

@_ElvishPresley_

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

@atanya1111

So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn’t read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.

@ramblinma

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?