If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My kitchen overserved me.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.