I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn’t read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?