Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Shoo shoo! 😂
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.