Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
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What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.