If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
This is me 🤣🤣