If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.

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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.


Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.


Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably


When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.


Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?


I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.


There’s a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can’t manage chrysanthemum on the first try.


Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face