Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@anerdonfire2

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

@SteveSuckington

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

@TheBoydP

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

@sir_shithead_I

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

@copymama

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

@phoebe_bridgers

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

@Kamikaze_Blonde

There’s a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can’t manage chrysanthemum on the first try.

@Huntermoore

Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face