If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.

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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]


Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting


I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.


Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon


when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks


[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???


Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.


lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit


Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything


It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.