@senderblock23

If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.

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@thedad

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

@KentWGraham

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

@TheTweetOfGod

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

@jonnysun

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

@rickolantern

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

@jazmasta

No, I can’t make it to your hair washing party tonight. I’m washing my h… erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.

@ThaJawn

(rap battle)

Dr Seuss: *grabs mic

Everyone Else: *quits