It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Perfect
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.