If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.

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Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.


How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?


“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.


me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old


Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice


ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!


No, I can’t make it to your hair washing party tonight. I’m washing my h… erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.


(rap battle)

Dr Seuss: *grabs mic

Everyone Else: *quits