Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.
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Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
No, I can’t make it to your hair washing party tonight. I’m washing my h… erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.
Dr Seuss: *grabs mic
Everyone Else: *quits