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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.