If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Note to self: always read the final line
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same