@RawspberryJamb

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs

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@SortaBad

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

@mattZillaaaa

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

@Laser_Cat

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

@Book_Krazy

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

@dixonshuman

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

@Nikkeya08

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

@letstrytomorrow

i just crushed this bag of doritos so i could pour them in rather than get my fingers dirty because i’m a classy lady.

@mattgallo123

House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.

@jwoodham

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.