@RawspberryJamb

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs

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@DiamondLou69

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

@gellaray

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

@Book_Krazy

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

@Daily__Owls

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@Squizbot

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

@Marlebean

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!