“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”
– Inventors of boomerangs
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Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
i just crushed this bag of doritos so i could pour them in rather than get my fingers dirty because i’m a classy lady.
House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine