Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”
– Inventors of boomerangs
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!