if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.