If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
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I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t