If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

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If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1


The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.


I used to sanitize my son’s bottles and Lysol his toys.

Then I caught him chewing on the dog’s tail.


*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”


Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.


[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]


*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.


Dear President of Mexico,

DO NOT fall for Trump’s old trick where he mumbles “guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?” and you say “What?”


“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”