@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

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@Jc1Johnny

If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

@PJisBeast

I used to sanitize my son’s bottles and Lysol his toys.

Then I caught him chewing on the dog’s tail.

@Holy_Mowgli

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

@TheMichaelRock

Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.

@squirrel74wkgn

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

@SirEviscerate

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

@Jake_Vig

Dear President of Mexico,

DO NOT fall for Trump’s old trick where he mumbles “guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?” and you say “What?”

@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”