So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
This has made my week.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.