@longwall26

If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Let’s go outside.

3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me.

Wife: Deer don’t eat people

3: The zombie ones do

Wife: Get your dad. Now.

@stevevsninjas

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

@evanR39

Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)

@Aikiwomannc

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

@SortaBad

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

@TheBeerGuy73

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@Porcelain_Jesus

I’m not like other girls. I’ll steal your kidney and leave you in a tub full of mashed potatoes.

@whereami18

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

@Muggernaught

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

@AndLookPretty

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.