A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
If you love something set it free.
*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*
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Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair