@looktothepickle

If you love something set it free.

*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*

You Might Also Like

@Schmoodles

A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.

@donni

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

@MarfSalvador

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

@Just__J0

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

@SoulYodeler

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

@J0hnnyBlaze

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

@texasstalkermom

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

@IamEnidColeslaw

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

@osoplain

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair