@looktothepickle

If you love something set it free.

*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*

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@naaman

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

@FlashShumway

Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
No?
*tosses another nun off the overpass*

@leifromloihi

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

@Reverend_Scott

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@david8hughes

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

@Tiim_____

we’re in Quarantine so the government can change the batteries in all the Birds. you ever seen a baby pigeon ? didnt think so

@TheToddWilliams

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

@daplusk

Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?