Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you love something set it free.
*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*
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Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[cops knock on my door]
“Who said that then?”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
we’re in Quarantine so the government can change the batteries in all the Birds. you ever seen a baby pigeon ? didnt think so
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?