Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
My dog ate my work from home.